My Dearest Angel (Edit) - Ludwig x Reader
by sakurawhitefang
Summary: I wrote the origanal series a year ago, so to test my growth, I am re writing the series.
1. Chapter 1

My Dearest Angel (Edit) - Ludwig x Reader

Part 1

Ludwig's POV

I sat at the bar, the same spot to drink the same poison to cover my verdammt guilt like a coward. I looked at my hands while my mug was re-filled to the brim. I could almost see the blood covering them... so much blood... Why?

I can still hear the screams of the innocents. So many screams. Some were higher pitched hen the others; The voices of innocent women, and the children they tried so desperately to protect. The worst part was when they were suddenly cut off, the speaker dead.

I hated that crazed idiot, but I had to follow orders. If I didn't I would die. Why though? What's the use of surviving if I just keep on regretting my mistakes? I should have just ignored orders and died. What was the saying people used? The alcohol was starting to affect me. Ah! Better to die as a hero, then to live long enough to see yourself become a villain. I will always be a military dog, won't I? Destined to follow my masters orders, no matter how gruesome. I chuckled softly at the thought, my last bits of sanity starting to slip, but I still managed to hold on. I don't know why. Was it the hope that I could one day make up for what my country did? For what I did?

Everyone had managed to forget, except my brother and I. At least I hadn't tried drugs to forget, mein armer älterer Bruder... I still remember him trying to get clean. Sitting in the rehabilitation center going through withdrawal symptoms, the stench awful as his body sweated out the toxins. I helped alongside Francis and Antonio, keeping him from leaving to go find more drugs.

I remember when I first found out he was using drugs. It killed me even more on the inside; another regret to forget with the help of alcohol and hookers. I blamed myself for not seeing the signs, instead I walked in his apartment, he was nearly overdosing. The only thing stoping him from dying was that he was my eastern half.

I took a long drink from the mug, filled with the only thing that seemed to keep me going; That sweet amber liquid. Really, any kind of alcohol kept me going ; I wasn't picky anymore. As long as it ensured that I would be unable to feel nauseous from guilt and sleep without nightmares, I would gladly drink it. I could hear the screams quieting down in my memories, ready to pounce when I was sober and undistracted.

I paid my tab once I couldn't walk a straight line if my life depended on it. I didn't feel like dealing with the night terrors. I checked my wrist watch. Work would start in 6 hours... Might as well find a hooker... Even though they were faint, I could still hear the cries of the innocent women and children as they were slaughtered...I walked off towards the usual street and sighed.

"Ich bin wirklich erbärmlich ... "

I arrived at the world office late the next morning, my hair messed up and my breath smelling like the Oktoberfest was recently hosted in my mouth. I would rather show up looking a mess then late. I didn't even get a chance to sleep and now I had an awful hangover to boot. My head pulsed to a sharp, painful beat as I tried to fix my appearance.

As I straightened my tie, I noticed a beautiful new girl at the front desk. They finally hired a secretary, huh? She lifted her head and smiled, her (e/c) eyes meeting mine.

That's when it started. When she found her way into my mind and wouldn't get out.

(Reader POV)

You saw a tall blonde man walk in, looking very disordered and...was that a hickey? You just assumed he had a very affectionate lover. Lucky. You could never trust anyone to be that close with you. You would just end up broken hearted like everyone else. It was nice to see that someone was happily in love.

You looked up at him with a smile. "Good morning. I'm _ _ , the new secretary." You smiled, hoping he would do the same. However, he flinched as if in winced, and then whispered "I'm sorry, does your head hurt?" The country nodded, cradling his head with one hand. "Ich bin Ludwig Beilschmidt, die Personifikation auf Westen Deutschland" his head hurt so much that he slipped into his native tongue, he couldn't acquire the strength to concentrate.

You tilted your head and looked at him confused. You really couldn't understand a whole lot of what he said."Sorry. I am Ludwig Beilschmidt, the personification of West Germany". You nodded. "Don't worry about it , Mr. Beilshmit! I will bring some coffee to your office, it seems as though you had a very rough night..." He nodded.

"Danke, und feel free to call me Ludwig."

(Ludwig's POV)

I walked into my office and slunk into the chair behind my desk. I leaned back and began to massage my temples in an effort to make my headache go away, not noticing _ sneaking in with a warm cup of coffee.

T heard her set it down gently and I soon felt her hands over mine. Her small voice whispered, "Here! Let me help…" I rested my hands on the arms of my chair as she helped to alleviate my hangover-caused pain. After a few minutes, she removed her hands and walked to the front of my desk. "Better?"

I gave her a weak smile and nodded. How could someone this sweet show kindness to a monster like me? Had the other countries not told her, warned her of what I was capable of? Of what I had done?"Ja, danke Miss _."

_ smiled back, as if my happiness was her own. "If you need anything, let me know!" she turned and walked out of my office, l leaving me to think about her and her kindness.

I continued to stare down at the stack of paperwork in front of me, not offering it one bit of attention, my mind focused on one being. _ _ . She ruled my thoughts with an iron fist. It was a nice change for someone like her to play in my mind, rather than my demons. However, I still felt like I needed a drink. I stacked up my paper work to be finished tomorrow and left my office, ready to sit right back down at the bar.

(Reader POV)

You packed your briefcase as Ludwig rounded the corner hurriedly. You laughed slightly, catching his attention. "Where's the fire?" He stopped and stuttered "Oh, t-there is none, I just want to get home and relax ..." His eyes shifted as his ears turned red as well. That's odd? It was almost as if he was shrugged and let the matter go. He must have his reasons. You sighed "See you tomorrow then!" He nodded and smiled as he continued on his way "Guten nacht, Miss _!"


	2. Chapter 2

My Dearest Angel (Edit) - Ludwig x Reader

Part 2

(Ludwig's POV)

I decided to try something much heavier tonight; Some vodka that I heard about from Ivan. I could feel the alcohol taking effect after multiple shots, my vision and judgment becoming clouded. I took another shot of the bitter liquid. I had managed to get the sounds of gunfire, twisted screams and hideous cruel laughter out of my ears at last, if but for the moment. But the moment felt like heaven, even if it was just for the moment.

I heard the door open, and beautiful woman walked into the bar. She looked very familiar, but it was so hard to concentrate on her. I looked over her form and licked my lips. She looked good enough to eat and I was starving. I stumbled up to her, not falling flat on my face thanks to many nights of practice. I leaned on the counter and flashed her a smile. "Guten Abend, schön! " I managed to slur.

(Reader POV)

"I guess I might as well go get a drink..." you thought as you walked out of the world building. You had stayed behind to catch up on some paper work that had been piling up. Just one little drink before heading home to your bed sounded like a pretty good idea. You tucked a (h/c) strand behind your ear and walked to a nearby bar.

When you walked in, you noticed it was fairly empty. You took a seat at the bar and ordered a(drink name). Suddenly, a familiar face leaned next to you, breath reeking of liquor. You gasped in slight surprise. "Guten Abend, schön!" slurred a very drunken Ludwig. He smiled and slid into the seat next to you. "Ludwig? What are you doing here?" you asked, surprise covering your face, along with

a heavy blush. Did he just call you beautiful...? "How do you know my name?" he smirked "Doesn't matter since I'm gonna have you scream it soon."

You looked at him in utter disgust. Ludwig clearly had a few too many in his system. "I'm _ _, the secretary from the world office. You probably don't remember because you are way too drunk." He chuckled and wrapped an arm around your waist. "Come now, schatz! Don't be such a Debbie-downer,ja?" He smiled even wider, a strange gleam appearing in his eyes.

You tried to push him away, but his arm tightened in response. You crossed your arms and set your mouth into a scowl. He wouldn't dare pull a stunt here in front of the bar tender. " , would you please remove your arm."He laughed loudly and grabbed your chin."You're even cuter when you're angry, _! " He leaned down to kiss you and that's when you snapped. You backhanded Ludwig, causing him to stop and widen his eyes in shock.

"That's quite enough!" you shouted, anger beginning to grow on his face. You took the chance to grab your briefcase and slam it over the top of his head. His eyes widened for a split second then drifted closed as he slumped to the floor.

You hurriedly checked his pulse, and it was there just as strong as it should. You breathed a quick sigh of relief and got up off the floor. There was only a passed out drunkard in a corner booth, and the bartender was in the back. "Perfect!" you thought "At least I can get him somewhere so he can sober up..." You set your briefcase on his stomach and grabbed his arms, dragging him out the door so you could hail a taxi.

You managed to pay a taxi driver extra to help you get him in the car, out of the car, and into your apartment. He thanked you (no surprise, since the cost of the ride, his fee for helping and tip was a rather large amount) and exclaimed "And they said that I would have to be a stripper to get through collage!" He left and you looked at Ludwig, passed out on your couch anger boiling within you again. You just sighed. He was snoring loudly now, and you thought it best to put ice on his head . He was going to feel it in the morning. You began to feel a bit bad for what happened, but you shook your head and stormed out. He deserved it!

You opened your eyes to the buzzing of your alarm, its harsh tone making you want to fling it. You sat up and stretched, going over what would need to be done that day. As you walked into the bathroom to take a shower, you glanced over to the Ludwig snoring softly on your loveseat. He didn't exactly fit, his legs and head hung off of both ends.

You got in the shower and thought about what happened last night. Why was he so drunk...? Didn't he have a hangover yesterday morning as well? What was going on? Even though you shouldn't be butting in, you were worried. You walked out of the bathroom with a big fluffy (color) towel wrapped around your body and you were greeted by the sight of Ludwig groaning, clutching his

head as he began to sit up.

(Ludwig's POV)

I opened my eyes and regretted it almost immediately. My hand flew to the back of my head, as I groaned in pain. What the hell happened to my head? I must have gotten in a fight again. I swung my legs from their perch on a sofa arm. Wait. My couch is leather, not this kind of fabric. This was a first, I woke up in alley ways, cheap hotels, or worse. Not on quaint little love seats.

"Good morning, Ludwig. I'm sorry if your head hurts." I looked up to see

Miss _ ,the secretary from the world office, with a towel wrapped around her dripping body. I blushed heavily and turned away. "We didn't ... er,you know..." Do the deed" did we?" It was her turn to blush. "N-no, but you tried to convince me at the bar..."My hand met my face . I really, really hate it when I get drunk and something catches my attention. Nothing stands in my way. A clenched my teeth at the pain. "What happened last night." I asked bluntly, hoping it was not too bad. I just hope I didn't do anything regrettable.

My Dearest Angel (Edit) - Ludwig x Reader

Part 2

(Ludwig's POV)

I decided to try something much heavier tonight; Some vodka that I heard about from Ivan. I could feel the alcohol taking effect after multiple shots, my vision and judgment becoming clouded. I took another shot of the bitter liquid. I had managed to get the sounds of gunfire, twisted screams and hideous cruel laughter out of my ears at last, if but for the moment. But the moment felt like heaven, even if it was just for the moment.

I heard the door open, and beautiful woman walked into the bar. She looked very familiar, but it was so hard to concentrate on her. I looked over her form and licked my lips. She looked good enough to eat and I was starving. I stumbled up to her, not falling flat on my face thanks to many nights of practice. I leaned on the counter and flashed her a smile. "Guten Abend, schön! " I managed to slur.

(Reader POV)

"I guess I might as well go get a drink..." you thought as you walked out of the world building. You had stayed behind to catch up on some paper work that had been piling up. Just one little drink before heading home to your bed sounded like a pretty good idea. You tucked a (h/c) strand behind your ear and walked to a nearby bar.

When you walked in, you noticed it was fairly empty. You took a seat at the bar and ordered a(drink name). Suddenly, a familiar face leaned next to you, breath reeking of liquor. You gasped in slight surprise. "Guten Abend, schön!" slurred a very drunken Ludwig. He smiled and slid into the seat next to you. "Ludwig? What are you doing here?" you asked, surprise covering your face, along with

a heavy blush. Did he just call you beautiful...? "How do you know my name?" he smirked "Doesn't matter since I'm gonna have you scream it soon."

You looked at him in utter disgust. Ludwig clearly had a few too many in his system. "I'm _ _, the secretary from the world office. You probably don't remember because you are way too drunk." He chuckled and wrapped an arm around your waist. "Come now, schatz! Don't be such a Debbie-downer,ja?" He smiled even wider, a strange gleam appearing in his eyes.

You tried to push him away, but his arm tightened in response. You crossed your arms and set your mouth into a scowl. He wouldn't dare pull a stunt here in front of the bar tender. " , would you please remove your arm."He laughed loudly and grabbed your chin."You're even cuter when you're angry, _! " He leaned down to kiss you and that's when you snapped. You backhanded Ludwig, causing him to stop and widen his eyes in shock.

"That's quite enough!" you shouted, anger beginning to grow on his face. You took the chance to grab your briefcase and slam it over the top of his head. His eyes widened for a split second then drifted closed as he slumped to the floor.

You hurriedly checked his pulse, and it was there just as strong as it should. You breathed a quick sigh of relief and got up off the floor. There was only a passed out drunkard in a corner booth, and the bartender was in the back. "Perfect!" you thought "At least I can get him somewhere so he can sober up..." You set your briefcase on his stomach and grabbed his arms, dragging him out the door so you could hail a taxi.

You managed to pay a taxi driver extra to help you get him in the car, out of the car, and into your apartment. He thanked you (no surprise, since the cost of the ride, his fee for helping and tip was a rather large amount) and exclaimed "And they said that I would have to be a stripper to get through collage!" He left and you looked at Ludwig, passed out on your couch anger boiling within you again. You just sighed. He was snoring loudly now, and you thought it best to put ice on his head . He was going to feel it in the morning. You began to feel a bit bad for what happened, but you shook your head and stormed out. He deserved it!

You opened your eyes to the buzzing of your alarm, its harsh tone making you want to fling it. You sat up and stretched, going over what would need to be done that day. As you walked into the bathroom to take a shower, you glanced over to the Ludwig snoring softly on your loveseat. He didn't exactly fit, his legs and head hung off of both ends.

You got in the shower and thought about what happened last night. Why was he so drunk...? Didn't he have a hangover yesterday morning as well? What was going on? Even though you shouldn't be butting in, you were worried. You walked out of the bathroom with a big fluffy (color) towel wrapped around your body and you were greeted by the sight of Ludwig groaning, clutching his

head as he began to sit up.

(Ludwig's POV)

I opened my eyes and regretted it almost immediately. My hand flew to the back of my head, as I groaned in pain. What the hell happened to my head? I must have gotten in a fight again. I swung my legs from their perch on a sofa arm. Wait. My couch is leather, not this kind of fabric. This was a first, I woke up in alley ways, cheap hotels, or worse. Not on quaint little love seats.

"Good morning, Ludwig. I'm sorry if your head hurts." I looked up to see

Miss _ ,the secretary from the world office, with a towel wrapped around her dripping body. I blushed heavily and turned away. "We didn't ... er,you know..." Do the deed" did we?" It was her turn to blush. "N-no, but you tried to convince me at the bar..."My hand met my face . I really, really hate it when I get drunk and something catches my attention. Nothing stands in my way. A clenched my teeth at the pain. "What happened last night." I asked bluntly, hoping it was not too bad. I just hope I didn't do anything regrettable.


	3. Chapter 3

(Ludwig POV)

_ excused herself to go get dressed, stating that she would tell me what happened last night after she was done. I nodded, eyes still not meeting her own. I felt so ashamed, so guilty.I held my head and clenched my jaw. Why on earth did I get drunk? Mein Gott, I guess I really should try the drugs, just like Gilbert. Sitting in the corner of his rundown house, his face only holding a small smile, harming himself when he thought he saw the bugs. Other then that he did not cause anyone pain. I shook my head and attempted to rid myself of those thoughts. Don't you remember how it felt to find him? Do you want to put the others through that?

I stood up to distract myself, pulling back a lacy white curtain. I needed to know where I was. I was a bit surprised to see that her home was in a nicer district. While her position was paid rather handsomely, it shouldn't be enough to buy or even rent a place like this. I stepped back and continued to look around the room. It was elegant, yet simple. I was once again confused. How on earth could she afford this? She must come from an excellent family I guess. I walked toward the fireplace, the mantle holding various porcelain angels.

I soon heard _ tap down the hall and I turned, looking all over the room, anywhere except her. "You have a lovely home." I saw her from the corner of my eye, sitting down in a nearby antique wingback. "Thank you." I decided to sit back onto the loveseat, managing to work up my courage to look her in the eye. I had to be a man and own up to whatever I did or attempted to do last night. I cleared my throat awkwardly "I am very sorry, for what ever happened while I was intoxicated." _ looked confused. "I haven't even said what you did last night, yet you're apologizing ?". I grew even more red."Y-yes, well, I-I just assumed that I did something . . . awful."

_ now looked curious. "Why do you assume that?" I looked down at my hands. How could I tell her, How could I explain, that I was worthless? That I was a monster? Had the others not told her what I used to do? Everytime I try and explain it, people always try and tell me different, that I was actually worth something and the past is the past. I had to lie, I always did. Especially when people asked if I was okay."Oh, no reason! I guess I always assume the worst!" I gave a nervous laugh and _ shrugged her shoulders. I breathed a small inner sigh of relief. "S-So, you said earlier that you would tell me what happened last night?" _ looked slightly uncomfortable at that one, but she preceded anyways. At the end she rubbed the back of her head in slight embarrassment. "I guess it's my turn to apologize, huh? For hitting you over the head. . ." I shook my head and sighed. "No, I should be the one apologizing. You did what you had to because I was drunk. Its my fault." I smiled. "In fact, I should be thanking you. You brought me back her to sleep for the night even. If I was in your place, I would have left me on the floor. Thank you, for bringing me here." She stood up and smiled. "You're welcome!"

She moved towards her kitchen, calling over her shoulder. "Care for some breakfast? We still have some time." I nodded silently. I had not had a real meal in a while. Or an entire meal, to be honest. My diet lately had become something quick from a vendor on the way to work and some peanuts and pretzels when I got back to my usual bar stool."I'll fry us up some ham and eggs then! It'll only be a few minutes." I stood and moved to her kitchen, one with brand new appliances, to sit at the table. I just watched without paying attention, but then the thoughts seeped back in. Drugs would be easier, Ludwig. It takes more and more drinks to get the screams out. Sooner or later you will need something else! I shook my head and analyzed _ to distract myself. Do not think about it, Do not think about it! She moved across her kitchen with ease (Imagine the bliss, Ludwig. No screams, no guilt, nothing! Just the bliss!). She popped some bread into the toaster, quickly moving back to check the sliced ham (You remember that suspicious man behind the bar? Go ask him for something!). She gently moved the eggs onto the plates, not popping the golden yolk (Ludwig! You know you want to give it a try! You need it!). _ set a plate in front of me, handing me my silverware with a smile. I gave a weak one back, still trying to not listen to the little voice in the back of my head, a voice that was becoming more and more convincing everyday.

We took separate cabs, I needed to go get changed and she needed to go to work. Better yet, she needed to not be around me. At all. She was a sweet girl, and I was a monster, and everyone knew what monsters did to sweet girls. I quickly undressed in my room, throwing my old clothes to the floor. I picked up a shirt from the floor and sniffed it carefully, drawing my head back almost immediately. I really needed to do some laundry or send them to a service. I looked around my room and silently added my house to that list, It was a mess! I had not cleaned in a long while, but I really didn't care anymore. I didn't even care that I was starting to get a bit on the chubbier side of things. As long as I could not hear the screams at night, I was fine.

I arrived at work, almost 15 minutes late. Thankfully, no one noticed. Who would be there to notice? I drifted from my friends a while ago. They managed to get over what happened, but I could not. Not even my boss cared anymore. As long as I finished my work, he left me alone. I sat at my desk and swung my briefcase carelessly, plopping down into my chair. I pulled out my work from the other day, grabbed a pen, and just sat there. I had no will to work anymore, I just could not stay calm, but to be honest I could not even care. I had worse problems on my mind. Like how I should avoid that one shady man behind the bar, the one that everyone goes to so they can slip him some money. I'll see those same people with happy, content little smiles later on. So very happy. Maybe I should try- NO. Remember your brother, remember what happened to him. Do you honestly want to be like that?

I shook my head and focused heavily on the paper. It was a trade proposal (I wonder how much money I would need for a single dose) with Britain. I needed to look (Just a taste! A little taste could not hurt, right?) over it and check (Sure you might get addicted, but who

even cares? You will be happy, right?) for any unfairness. I would then have to write (Think of how much better you will sleep at night!) a report and submit a copy of it to my boss (Come on, Ludwig, the alcohol is losing its effect on you, you know that!).

I threw done the pen and held my head, clenching my jaw. What the hell was wrong with my head? Why am I so messed up? WHY? Feliciano and Kiku were able to recover much faster than me and I am supposed to be the strongest of the group! Feliciano visits the memorials annually and Kiku pays his respects with him, but before they were different. Feliciano starved himself, he was nothing but skin and bones. Kiku had multiple suicide attempts, and eventually he had to live with his family for years. Even now they still call often, just to be sure that he is fine. When I visited the shrines, I could only hear the screams, I could only see the blood. I would hurry and leave, heading back to my home to vomit. I could not get anywhere near any kind of memorial without feeling sick and wrong all over, like I did not belong there.

My head fell to the desk, arms folded over the back of my neck. I felt tears at the corners of my eyes, and I squeezed them shut to stop them. Gott, I am so weak! Why the hell was I sitting here sobbing like a weak child. I shuddered and bit my lip, tears escaping. I was sitting here like a child, because I am scared like one. I am so scared, scared of one day turning to the drugs, of turning into the monster my brother used to be.

I laid my head down for a while longer, managing to control my breathing again before I sat back up and wiped away the tears. I needed to pull it together, to get under control. What little control I had left. I checked my wristwatch and sighed. I had been sobbing like a baby for a half hour. I had barely read the first paragraph, and the report was 15 pages long. I needed to keep calm and get my work done. My job was all I had left.

I chuckled at that. All I had left was my work and my alcohol. I had drifted away from my friends and my family a while ago. I remember the last time I saw them. We had all gone to visit Gilbert in the rehabilitation center, he had been there almost a month and he had cheered up considerably. When he had been severely depressed, the doctor said it was normal in former meth addicts.

Feliciano made alfredo of course, and everyone sat around his room eating and laughing. More importantly, they were hoping and silently praying for Gilbert. He was still a bit thin, but soon he would put on a lot of weight. He joked and said that one day he would look as ripped as I was. The irony. He was probably in better shape than me,I had not worked out in a while.

At the time, I had not been drinking as much now, I was still training, spending time with my friends. I do not know why I got worse, perhaps it just happened for no reason. All I knew was that I needed what I had now, and I could not sink further. The constant drinking was enough, but the idea of finding something more effective was still tempting.

For the next week I managed to avoid the man behind the bar, I do not know how, but I did. Unfortunately, I had also started to bring a flask with me to work. Half water, half whiskey. It helped me calm down so I could work. Throughout the next week, I added less and less water till I was just drinking it straight. I just kept saying to myself that I was only a little buzzed, no one would notice and everything would be okay. Besides, it was only me in my office all day with the secretary, Miss _ _. Then again, perhaps I should not drink at all around her, I was too attracted to her. I wanted her badly, but I could not go out on a date with her. Not in my state, it was much too dangerous. It did not help when she came in looking amazing in the morning. It did not help when she worried over my health, always bringing in some headache medicine for me. It did not help when she smiled at me for no reason, her beautiful smile filling up the room. She was drawing me in slowly and soon I would not be able to leave her alone.

On Thursday, I had already drunk a bit from my flask and was happily typing away, when Miss _ walked in. " , the meeting is in a half hour. Do you need anything for it?" I stopped typing and winced. I had forgotten! I thought it was next week! I was nowhere near done, I still had half a speech to write! I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head, forcing a smile. "No, No! Everything is fine! Danke, Miss _." She raised an eyebrow. "You look a bit worried? Did you forget it was today?" I sighed and nodded. "Ja, I thought that it was next week. I only have half done." She strode across the room . "I can finish it, if you'd like. I'm pretty good at finishing things quickly. Well, as long as you don't care about quality." I nodded and moved from my chair.

I stood behind her, watching as her fingers quickly tapped out the rest of my speech and filled the rest with filler words so that it would fill in my requirement. I could not help but glance down at her cleavage as she did this. Why did she have to wear something so low cut? Why did it have to be the perfect color to match her eyes? I managed to shake my head of these thoughts and leave to go get coffee.

I managed to get through the meeting, but just barely. I think a few countries noticed how odd my speech sounded, however, no one said a word. After I was done, I went back to my seat quietly, sneaking a sip from my flask. I thought I was in control and I was not. I was losing it, slowly but surely. How long before I would start drinking more at work? How long before they noticed? How long before I would be given an impossible choice; give up the liquor or give up my job?


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

Then the weekend came, a whole two days and two nights to do whatever I wanted without it interfering my work. Drink myself silly at the bar, hire enough hookers for an orgy, anything to keep my mind occupied. Better yet, I should just drink at home. My usual bar is going to have the dealer out back and any other bar in town is filled with happy people, the loud kind who only had simple everyday kind of worries. My bar was nice and quiet, with only a few old men in the back. No one chatted, they always had bowls of snacks on the bar and the beer was great.

I shrugged as I gathered my papers. It would still be like my favorite bar, except all of the pictures on the walls and the trunk in the attic, of course. I propped my head and sighed. Memories. The exact thing I was trying to put behind me. The damn memories. Instead of drinking away the pain in my pub, I was going to have to stay at home. Just until I got over my little problem. That damned "little voice". The one who only whispered at first, the "little voice" who soon began to talk constantly about the escape the drugs promised. Now the "little voice" was a big one, consuming my thoughts. It began popping up all the time, begging me to go take a hit, just a little taste.

I breathed out and wondered what I could do to kill some time this weekend. Lounge around and watch some TV, I guess. I lost what little friends I had, so I really had no one to visit. It did not matter to me, but it would be nice to have a friend. My thoughts were interrupted by Miss _ knocking on my already opened door, making me snap my head up. She smiled "I'm about to leave for the weekend Mr. Beilschmidt. Do you need anything else before I leave?" . I began to tell her I did not when I paused. "Miss _. I actually have a question. I w-was wondering if you would like to come to my home for dinner? Around 6 o'clock perhaps?" She began to blush, shaking her head with embarrassed laughter. I was tempted to do the same. What was I doing? I could not be around her! "No, no! It's not right since you're technically my boss! Really! You don't have to go to all the trouble!" I sighed "I understand." I went back to packing up my things. "W-wait!" I looked up again at her. "If you really want to, then sure! I have to come help though, ok?" I nodded and gave her the address to my house.

I waved goodbye to her and flagged down a cab. Even though I was a selfish bastard for wanting to be close to her, I still wanted to be with her. I finally caught one and slid in the back, giving the cabbie my address. I sighed. I could not get too close, though. She might begin to put the pieces together. The last thing I needed was for the other nations to find out. I would lose my job and status as a nation, though I am amazed they did not do so already after the war. I could be a weakling and make excuses, saying as nations we have no choice but to do what is ordered, but excuses can not fix the past. I should have just refused the orders and accepted my death.

When I arrived back home, I soon realized just how big of a mess there was. I looked down in shame. Before, I would have never let my house become close to this. The worst part was, There was no way I was gonna finish in time. A thought sprang up and I grabbed my phone. Maybe with some help I could finish on time. I just hoped they answered my call, I had not really talked to them outside of work in a while. I cleared my throat as the phone rang. Feliciano immediately picked up the phone. "Ciao, Luddy! I haven't talked to you in a while! " I sighed. I forgot how much I missed his cheerful nature, always smiling and laughing. "Y-yes, it has been some time hasn't it?"

We chatted for a while, him leading the conversation of course, before I asked what I origanaly called him for. "Feliciano, I was wondering if you could help me clean my house tommorow." He sounded surprised, to say the least. "Your house is always clean! How did it get dirty?" I scrambled for an excuse. "W-Well I, uh, got very busy! I have not had the time, unfortunetely and I need help getting it under control again."Well it was not a lie, I was busy lately. Busy drowning out the screams and the tears and the blood, the blood, the blo-. Stop it, Ludwig! Do not get yourself worked up again! You know what happens when you get yourself worked up!"Uh, Lud?" I shook my head. "Sorry, Feli. I got distracted. Er, what did you say?" "Oh! Well, Kiku is here and he said he'd love to help out as well! How about we come over tomorrow morning? I'll even pack us all lunch!" I smiled, I had missed his cheerful personality to cheer me up. "That sounds great, Feli. Danke." "Bye Lud! See yah!" We hung up and I set the phone down on the coffee table. I bit my lip as I looked around. Perhaps I should get started on cleaning. If not, we might not finish tommorow. I went to my room and changed into some comfortable clothes so I could get started.

I stood by the front door of my house, dressed in sweats and a tanktop. I glared at the mess as I tied a bandana around my forehead. "You are going down! You hear me? _ is coming over and I will not have her thinking that I am a slob!"Why? Was it what little pride I had left? Or was it something else? I hoped I was not falling in love with her. She was a human with the chance to live a free life. I was merely a drunken country who had none of that. I lived only for my people, not for myself. I shook my head and grabbed the trash bag, throwing in the bottles for recycling. Gott, there was so many... I made it to my kitchen to grab another bag, when I saw an abandoned food dish on the floor. It even had his name on it, my sweet old Blackie. He was my favorite of the dogs, I had him for longer and he still somehow outlived the others. Such a loyal dog, always staying by my side until the very end.

I picked it up, remembering our walks together through the park. I wish I started my drinking habit until after he left me. He would not have had to see me slowly sink deeper into my guilt. To see me laying on the couch, chugging bottles of beer everynight that I was not at a bar. He would watch me paitently from the hallway with his leash. Soon after, he could barely walk anymore and it was time to him be put down; It was too painful for him to live anymore. After that, I just never bothered to get another pet. I was too busy. I set down the dish, wiped my eyes, and grabbed another garbage bag.I was almost done with my living room, except for the tall bookshelf. I grabbed a laddder and began to dust the top, when I came across another memory. It was an old photo album. I carried it down with me and sat on the couch before I began to look through it. It was filled with pictures of things I had done before with my friends. Going to the beach, fixing a car with my brother, there was even one of a big family camping trip. My brother and I were standing with our arms over each others shoulders, holding up our fish we just caught.

I could remember it so clearly. It was early summer when my brother and I had went on our annual camping trip. Our father started the tradition as a family outing, now it was just my brother and I that went. Sometimes we would have others join us, however it was usualy just the two of us. We would hike into the mountains until we found a good spot to set up our camp for the next few days. Everytime I hoped we would find one soon. The longer we hiked, the longer I had to hear Gilbert sing "neunundneunzig bottles of beer on the wall". We would hangout, go fishing, and hangout around a campfire. He loved to bring along his acoustic guitar and play cheesy campfire songs. I shut the album and set it back on the shelf. We had not gone on a trip in a few years, perhaps it was time for another one.

As I put the ladder back into the closet, I noticed a box of Christmas decorations. I must have kicked them in here when they got in my way. I groaned knowing I would have to take them all the way to the attic. I grabbed the heavy box, balancing it on my shoulder as I walked to the upstairs hall. I pulled the ladder down from the ceiling and climbed up, hoping to not see any signs of a pest problem. I set the box on the floor and peeked around before stepping up into the room. No pests so far.I set the box in the back and began to leave when I saw it. My old military trunk. I have been keeping it in here ever since I got home from the war, although I do not know why. Keeping it as a sign of the crime I helped commit, maybe? Just by looking at it, the memories flooded my mind. The begining, when he came to power origanaly. The first invasion. I shuddered and quickly left the room, before my mind raced. I did not run from it, that would be saying I was a coward who feared his past. I merely regreted mine with every ounce of my body.

I checked the time and decided I had done enough for the day, checking to make sure all signs of my drinking were hidden in the garage. One less thing to worry about. I do not know what I would do if they found out. I could practically see Kiku's normaly plain face become shocked, Feli would begin to sob of course, they would both ask why. How could I explain it? It would be easier since they felt guilt as well, yet they recovered so quickly. Why did they recover so quickly, how did they? Perhaps it was because they felt less guilt. They both did some terrible things, but I still had much more to be guilty about. At least they were not remembered about the war like I am.

I fell back onto the couch and let out a deep breath. Gott, why was I so messed up? Where did it all go wrong? I was in control for a while and then it started to slip away. Gott, why am I so weak, pathetic, useless. All I can do is try to drown my feelings and notshoot up. When I do turn to the drugs, thats when it will all some how get even worse. I gave a short laugh. When was the only question now, no longer 'if'. I stopped having hope a while ago. What was the point in it?

I stretched my arms and grabbed my beer of the coffee table. At least all of the cleaning distracted me for a bit. I took a sip and relaxed a bit more. Maybe I could get some sleep tonight, the kind of dreamless sleep where its like a sigh of relief. I was so tired of waking up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat as I hyperventilated. I gave a short laugh. No rest for the wicked is right. I have not had a full nights rest in a long while. I set my beer down on the floor and shut my eyes. I needed to just try and relax a bit, I had to clean the rest of my house tomorrow.

I woke up for the second time, hearing someone knocking at my door. "Coming!" I checked my watch and saw it was already 8am. "Schisse, I overslept. Again." I yawned and opened the door to see Kiku and Feliciano waiting. "Good morning, Ludwig. Feliciano and I made sandwiches for later." Feli smiled and nodded "We're all ready to help out! " I nodded "Danke, I started cleaning last night and I fell asleep on the couch. The living room is already cleaned up, except the mopping." They nodded and we soon went straight to work.

It felt good in an odd way, having my house looking clean again. I felt a bit more normal again, like I was not slowly falling apart. We went ahead and mopped the whole house, heading outside to eat lunch as it dried. We all sat around chatting and catching up, enjoying the weather. I had not been able to do this in so long, just smiling and having a good time with friends. If my pride had not gotten in the way, perhaps I could have avoided drinking? Maybe just having people to support me would help better then the drinking? I shook my head. What would that help? They all hated me all packed up and headed back inside to finish up what little was left.

Soon, it was an hour before she was supposed to arrive and we were all finished. I said my good-byes to Feli and Kiku at the door, thanking them for their help. "I promise to not let my home get in such a state again." Kiku bowed slightly and Feli gave me a quick hug. I shut the door and hurried to my bathroom to take a quick shower. I was covered in sweat and grime from cleaning. As I undressed, I glanced in the full body mirror and sighed. I have really been letting myself go, my abs were almost gone now. I flexed my arms and noticed my biceps seemed smaller. Perhaps I should try to work out more or maybe not. Some women like big guys. They call them 'Teddy Bears'. Yeah thats right, I am just a bit more cuddly then other guys. Just a big teddy bear.

I stepped in the shower and sighed. Just keep telling yourself that Ludwig, make your excuses. I bowed my head and let the water roll down my back. Gott, why. Origanaly the alcohal helped me regain control over the guilt, except now I have no control over anything. My life is nothing but a mess, I am about to lose my self entirely to my problems, it is only a question of when. Gott, I did not want to be like my brother. I did not want to be found in the corner shooting up. Oh Gott help me...


End file.
